I’ve wanted to write about ‘Trusting’ and ‘Believing’ for some time, and every time I thinking about it I can’t get the words to match what I feel in my heart and know from my experience. Though, here feels like the perfect place to say, ‘BUT’, I’ll give it a go.
It’s very dear to my heart because so many of my clients struggle with ‘Trust’ after having been let down by others. We’re encouraged to ‘Trust’, like there is something wrong with us if we don’t. I hear it often, “You have to learn to trust”. “You can’t have healthy relationships if you don’t trust”.
Something huge is missing here!
To what extent should we trust? In what way should we trust? In whom should we trust? Should we just blindly trust everyone totally?
Let’s get a bit clear about what exactly trust is? Here is one definition:
1 “One party (trustor) is willing to rely on the actions of another party (trustee)… the trustor … abandons control over the actions (of)… the trustee. As a consequence, the trustor is uncertain about the outcome… The uncertainty involves the risk of failure or harm to the trustor if the trustee will not behave as desired”.
The problem here is that trust requires another person to act in some way that we expect. And, if the person acts differently to how we expect we feel badly, we judge their character and suffer unwanted consequences, all based on their actions.
Though, consider this, ‘Have you behaved out of character’? I have. I also have not been able to do certain things because of illness or because I lacked emotional resources at the time. Many things can impact what we do and how we behave in any moment; our believes, our energy levels, our confidence, our understanding and our capability.
The important thing to recognise is that we are not our behaviours or actions. ‘Who we are’ is more closely related to our likes/dislikes, our desires and our intentions.
So, what is it we can do in relating in positive ways with others. It doesn’t seem wise to hand over the responsibility to create a result that has consequences for us without monitoring. This can put us at emotional, physical or financial risk.
But, what we can do is believe in the person – believe that people always wish they can be valued and do their best. If we do this, then when their actions don’t meet our expectations we can still appreciate and value them.
This is why I ‘Trust No One’ to always do everything right (no one can), but I do ‘Believe In Every One’, that they always wish they can be good AND lovable AND smart AND able.